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'Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? You probably have. It probably was rough. The two of you were in different cities, states, or countries. All sorts of substitutes for pure love were used: texting, sexting, masturbating on cam for a loved one, etc. Most likely the two of you were in the same time zone. Or maybe you were a time zone or two apart. Imagine a couple so united by love for one another they travel across the world, to places days ahead or days behind.
'I want to introduce Carolyn DeCarlo & Jackson Nieuwland the alt lit couple of 2012. No one even comes close to this level of beauty. People look up to Carolyn Decarlo because she’s a wonderful, joyful spirit. People look up to Jackson Nieuwland because he’s seven feet tall. Jackson doesn’t have anybody to look up to due to his extreme height. Each one found the other through a love of fantastical alt lit.
'Carolyn traveled to New Zealand to be with the alt lit giant with a heart of gold. The romance was pulled out of the internet and into real life. Other New Zealanders pulled themselves out of their hobbit holes to rejoice. Jackson is currently in the United States. Everything is fantastic to Jackson. Now the United States gets a shot of his fantastic presence, during an election year, when we need it most.
'You want to know romance? Look at Carolyn and Jackson. They endured at least a 21 hour (or longer) flight to see one another. When they came to AWP crowds went wild. Crowds hugged Jackson and Carolyn. Around the world both are known for their extreme hug-worthiness. Everyone adored their IRL presence, not just their virtual presence. They ‘made it’. Other writers were pushed aside as Carolyn and Jackson were carried on covered litters and fed peeled grapes.' -- Beach Sloth
Carolyn DeCarlo & Jackson Nieuwland Twilight ZoneNAP
'What are your favourite types of social situations? Do you spend much time with your family? Is your family close? Are you particularly close to a certain family member? What do you talk about with your family? Do you feel comfortable telling your parents about your life? Which do you hang out with more: boys or girls? Does any of this say anything about you? Does anything, apart from saying something about you, say anything about you?' -- JN
Excerpts
a poem from Twilight Zone an ebook by Carolyn DeCarlo & Jackson Nieuwland
Blake Butler on 'Twilight Zone'
Ana Carrette, Carolyn DeCarlo, Mike Bushnell & Jackson Nieuwland swag out
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'When I was 16 I was a sad teen who worked at Subway. One day after working at Subway for three months the manager made me clean out the refrigerator so I quit and went home and watched the super bowl. During my Subway tenure, I worked with a dwarf named Steve who had some sort of congenital defect that made him hold one of his hands against his body like a t-rex. I also worked with an overweight middle-aged ex-con who couldn’t grow sideburns named Doug. He was very charming and nice to me. Doug was hired at Subway through a work release program and would often brag about gambling on riverboat casinos and buying whores with his winnings.
'It wasn’t long before Doug got Steve into whores. After work he would ask Steve if he wanted to go get some whores with him and Steve would look around sheepishly and say yes and then they’d go get some whores, I guess.
'Steve, Doug, and I used to gamble with the quarters from the register during the night shift. We would play Texas Hold ’Em.
'“Do you know Texas Hold ’Em?” Doug asked the first time we snuck a game.
'“No,” I said.
'“Hottest game in poker right now,” Doug said, dealing with authority.
'Doug would get very angry when he lost. Sometimes he would punch the table really hard and say, “fuck” and glare at me while I took his quarters. It was frightening but I took the money anyway. I wanted those quarters.
'I drove him home once because he asked me to. He looked like he lived where whores live. He said it was his mom’s apartment. One time when I was working at Subway a girl who also worked at Subway named Stephanie brought a guy in back while the manager wasn’t there. The guy got really angry with me for looking sad. He walked up to me and told me that this job obviously “sucked” but I needed to “cheer the fuck up.” I remember feeling like it was unfair that me being upset should bother him. This made me feel sad.' (cont.)
Heiko Julién There Is No Reason for Tigers to Be Beautiful, They Just ArePop Serial
'thought ‘Heiko is a wise human being’ a few times while reading this / thought ‘whoah he shifts around a lot from paragraph to paragraph’ / thought ‘he likes to end his pieces similarly - usually with existentially optimistic messages’ / thought ‘thank you Heiko for ending your pieces like that – they make me feel nice’ / thought ‘Heiko is a strange dude’ a few times while reading this / thought ‘dammit he’s honest’ / thought ‘if Heiko is considered “alt lit” then “alt lit” must be pretty cool’' -- iamaltlit
Excerpt
The secret to my Decent Quality of Life?
I spend every moment I’m not eating thinking about the next time I will eat. Creates and maintains tension. This is how I have cultivated bliss within, and yet my greatest strengths are alternately my biggest weaknesses. For instance, I died in a house fire in 2004. Tried to make four toasts in a two-toast toaster.
You need to know: You are in the fight of your life. If you don’t Grow, this fucked up hellscape of a reality we inhabit will ravage your mind/body/soul.
No pressure.
It is no wonder I’ve been a Bad Person and so have you. We’d like to think that’s all in the past now. We are getting older and wiser and less terrified but the stimulus that scares us is getting stronger.
So let’s talk about Bad People: Bad People betray their friends and themselves for no good reason because they have too much fear they’ve chosen to ignore rather than confront. On a seemingly related but unrelated note, this world has betrayed me, so I am commenting on youtube vids, lamenting the death of Good Music. Forsaken by a world that has abandoned me, I wander into my bathtub and drown. It was already filled from a previous bath. (Cold and gross.)
The fact remains that the majority of my youth is gone and I spent a lot of it being upset. Considering suicide as a means of avoiding future work and general discomfort, yet I look at you in your cargo shorts and think, “you are not going to make it, probably.” I think this because I am a survivor and am also into men’s fashion.
Animals are doing all kinds of crazy things to survive and so are you. You bought your daughter a Justin Biebre CD and listened to it to try to feel Good. Incidentally, I still cannot get over the fact that there are animals that live underwater.
You aren’t allowed to commit suicide until your mom has died. These are the rules. I don’t make them. Living is better than not living, even though it’s painful a lot of the time. Just make plans for the future. You don’t even have to do them.
When you are having a serious problem and there’s no one you can talk to about it because they wouldn’t understand, that’s when you’re You.
Heiko Julien live after the screening of Shoplifting from American Apparel at the Logan Theatre in Chicago, IL
I Am Ready To Die A Violent Death | Part 1 of 2
Spooky Cheddar
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Tell me about your book, what’s the story?
Laura Ellen Joyce: It’s about the last 24 hours in the life of murdered six-year-old beauty queen. The setting is a snowed-in valley in permanent darkness. The time is Christmas day. Radioactive foxes, a sex-doll repairman, a strip club and a beauty pageant all take the attention away from the little girl.
Who is the protagonist?
LEJ: Ava Wilde, the six-year-old girl.
Where did you find the inspiration for the story?
LEJ: It is a retelling of the Jonbenet Ramsey murder in Boulder, 1996, on Christmas day.
How did you write it?
LEJ: I wrote it in a month during Nanowrimo 2010.
How did you find the time fitting it in around life?
LEJ: By writing for a couple of hours a day no matter what.
What makes a good story in your eyes? What do you look for?
LEJ: The unexpected, the violent, the bizarre. Excess, hyperbole and vision.
Any advice for budding writers/any thoughts on the current publishing industry?
LEJ: The current industry is so exciting because as it collapses it also transmutes. Reject traditional models and find spaces to creep in.
Laura Ellen Joyce The Museum of AtheismSalt Publishing
'It is Christmas Eve in a mountainous, isolated prison community, the day of the baby beauty pageant. Ava is the star attraction. She's six years old. Ava’s older brother Jonny hears strange noises in the attic and sees his father go out late at night with a gun with their lodger, prison warden Leo. Daniel, a man who repairs sex dolls for a living, has just moved into the area and he is Ava’s biggest fan. There are rabid, wild foxes roaming the area, terrorising the community. The action culminates in a bizarre fetish party at the local strip club, a fox cull and the death of Ava. Finally, the secrets of her life are revealed.' -- Salt Publishing
Excerpt
24 December 0800
Rose Cap
Appearance: Milky pink caps, thin stem.
Effects: Induces hallucinations.
Environment: Near water.
Jed Wilde was bone tired. He’d been out in the valley hunting foxes all night, and his shirt was spattered with their blood. He was drenched in sweat from the struggle and he knew it would turn to ice on his skin if he didn’t get back in the truck and drive home soon. The needle on the thermometer in the cab was busted, but he didn’t think it was going to creep much above freezing that day.
Leo, Leo, come on we’ve got to get home. Jed called to his boarder, who was sitting hunched on his hind legs, smoking a cigarette. Leo didn’t reply at all.
What’s wrong with you? Jed asked, D’you want to stay here like this all day? We should get back to the house. Come on.
Leo threw the cigarette end into the new drift of snow that covered the forest floor. It hissed and went out. He stood up, legs shaking, and followed Jed to the truck. They had trouble starting the engine and Leo grabbed their coats and some blankets from the back under the tarp while Jed gave it some juice.
The truck started after a couple of good hard revs. They began the journey back to the house. Leo reached out for the radio dial until he found a sports bulletin amongst all the Christmas carols and adverts.
Would you turn that off? Jed asked him. I need to concentrate on driving. I’m not getting much traction in this snow.
Alright pussy. Want me to drive?
Yeah, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Leo didn’t argue. He shivered, as though catching a chill. He turned off the radio and wrapped the blankets more tightly around his body; then started snoring loudly. Jed turned the radio off. It was difficult to get the truck up the steep curve of the valley. Slicks of black ice layered the highway, fresh snow covering the grit laid earlier. Jed had to concentrate on the ascent and he was thankful that Leo’s presence was muted by sleep. The valley had been drained, years ago, and there was no water at the bottom any longer, just flat lands with a few small houses. The main heart of Rosewood was on the north side of the valley; that was where the Fantasy Bar was, and the strip of stores and most of the housing clustered round the town hall. But Jed liked the south side. He could see all the way over, see everything that was happening, and if he saw a car making its way across he could be gone before they arrived. Usually, the trip from the base of the valley to his house took less than ten minutes in the car, but this fucking ice was a nightmare, the street lighting at the bottom of the valley was out, and he was sick of seeing nothing in front of him but his headlights day and night.
A scream rang out across the valley and Jed jumped in his seat, letting the stick shift slip out of his control.
Fuck was that? Leo muttered, not opening his eyes.
Fox, Jed said, concentrating on getting the car under control.
Jed went in to his daughter’s bedroom as soon as he got home. He wondered what Ava might have heard in the night.
Ava, darling? Jed called to her softly to check if she was awake. He couldn’t stop shaking and thought she would notice something was wrong. He realised that he might frighten her, dressed as he was, so he went down to the basement to take off his bloody clothes and change them for fresh ones. Leo had already dumped his clothes and the dirty blankets in the washing basket. Jed took off his boots and laid them on a sheet of newspaper. Then he went up to the kitchen and made Ava’s favourite oatmeal.
Upstairs, in his daughter’s room, Jed got in beside her and tickled her on the chin to wake her up.
Daddy! She said in surprise. He offered her the oatmeal and she said she didn’t like the taste this morning. Jed played a game with her where he breathed hot steam from his coffee right into her mouth and she gulped it down like a magic potion. Jed looked at the sky outside lit by the northern lights; it was a weird colour, like raw pigs’ liver.
Ava was in her pajamas and still half-asleep. Jed smoothed her hair where it curled and brushed it away from her face. He had a lot to do but he couldn’t resist her asking for just one story. As he unplugged her star nightlight, the fading gleam lit his hand red for just a second. She waited for the story to begin.
Tell me one about the foxes Daddy, Ava said. She was scared of the foxes but she liked to hear about how her daddy fought them and kept her safe.
Jed wondered how much she knew. He told her the safe story, the one he had told her before.
One day an airplane came over the valley. The pilot had never flown a plane before and he had a dangerous cargo. Remember what a cargo is sweetie?
Ava told him she remembered. It was the stuff he was carrying. She wasn’t a baby, she told him, she knew this story already. Jed laughed at her seriousness.
Well this cargo was kind of dangerous. It was absolutely full to the brim of chemicals. Chemicals which did strange things to the foxes.
Ava pretended to shiver in fear and crept closer to her Daddy. He dropped his voice low.
The plane began to get into trouble and the pilot wanted to save himself so he let the cargo fall out of the bottom of his plane. A terrible green slime came out of the sky like rain and began to drip down into the valley. All of the trees in the forest were covered and the birds perching in the branches were stuck fast. The other animals took shelter until the terrible storm was over, all except the foxes. Do you know why?
Ava knew why, she said, because they wanted to eat the birds and they were too greedy.
That’s right. They wanted to eat the birds and they were too greedy so they shook the trees until the slime-covered birds fell down in front of them. They ate every last bird.
Trailer
Jon Benet Ramsey, Satanism and Twin Peaks
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p.s. Hey. ** Thomas Moronic, Hi, T. I got your email. Thank you a lot, man. I'll write to you. I was mostly in front of my laptop yesterday too, writing and trying to give the blog a post-filled near-future since I've gotten way, way, behind. I hope you liked 'To the Wonder'. Take care, buddy. ** Misanthrope, Well, I'm not going to do a black out on what's going on with me here, but I'm going to think about and probably filter things before I type more than I have been doing. Very cool about the cubicle and computer of your own. And that you getting over here is more concrete. You can get solid, very doable cameras these days for more than a pittance, but not so much more. And the world definitely needs to see Rigby doing crazy shit. Dude, your hand! What's the prognosis? ** Paradigm, Hi, Scott! Thank you, man. Yeah, I don't know, I just need to re-accustom myself to the context, and I'm sure it'll be fine. That music you're hearing sounds really beautiful. Recommend any albums or anything to start with? I hope you get back to the writing too, obviously. If the desire is there, the ideas will pop in. They always do, albeit on their random schedule. Really good to see you! ** Wolf, I had some chocolate Easter eggs. They were in the chocolate top hat of a chocolate Easter bunny. How about you? Did you have any egg-shaped things? Interesting, yeah, about 'the extensions of those privacy issues and how much of our basic constructs and limits are changing and being redefined by technology'. It's true, and finding the place between mediating and gushing unreservedly like one would to a trusted someone else is tricky. Like with the p.s., when I'm writing back to someone's comment, I always feel or try to feel like I'm writing directly and only to them, but of course the whole p.s. is an open field. But if I think about that, and that every conversation is potentially being overheard by who knows how many people whom I know and don't know, it makes me feel self-conscious, so, yeah, finding the right spot to speak from is an odd thing. Very cool about that course you started. It's like a classroom course or an online thing or ... ? Mm, tomato juice with tabasco, yum. Blogger just changed 'tabasco' into 'tobacco'. It knows me so well. Yes, I read that about Iain Banks. That very sad. I know I read 'The Wasp Factory' ages ago, and I can't remember if I read other of his books. I think so. All wishes to him. Love to you! ** David Ehrenstein, Morning, sir. ** Sypha, Hey. No, there's nothing autobiographical in 'Frisk' whatsoever. It's fiction from tip to stern. Wow, 'Bright Lights Big City'. I read that back then. Didn't do much for me, nor has any of his writing. But maybe it would have this cool retro, time period thing now that would help. ** Grant maierhofer, Hi, Grant! Thank you so, so much! Awesome about the contract. Yeah, that must feel exhilarating. So sweet about the poetry book. Congrats to the press and to you and to us. Everyone, you can preorder the new poetry chapbook 'Ode to Vincent Gallo Nightingale' by Mr. Grant Maierhofer, writer and yesterday's guest-host, by clicking this link to its page at Black Coffee Press, and of course I highly suggest that you do. ** S., Sexy looking writing is a rare and precious thing. It takes a lot to get text to look like it's in the mood. Oh, a pile of birthday presents! Everyone, here are the presents that S. gave himself on his birthday. Intrigued? ** Steevee, I like the Invisible Hands album too. Just heard it not two days ago. Fingers crossed that the Sight and Sound big dog got back to you. No, I've only read about the Tyler album so far. I'll get it at some point, though. You heard/like it? ** Flit, Hi there, Flit! Thanks. Wow, I wish I could write the novel like that. Maybe I will. Maybe that's been the missing ingredient. If I could pass all the gossipers onto you, I would in a heartbeat. Maybe I can figure out a way to do that. Hm. Return hugs and return stuff! ** Chris Dankland, Hey, Chris! Really, really nice to see you! The work vacation was really great, thanks. I mostly did some prelim work on the novel and some experimenting towards the novel more than actually digging into the thing itself. I used to make these analog, paste and scissors-based collage-type scrapbooks for every novel I wrote, and I made one of those while I was on the trip for the first in forever, and I think that helped clarify a lot of things for me. Oh, the readings you did! I'm so glad you enjoyed doing them and that they went so well. Reading with Roggenbuck must be quite a trip in and of itself. Does he have a following where you are? I'm curious how far and wide his reach is. I feel like it's really hard to tell. I haven't read the Megan Boyle liveblog yet, no. But I definitely will 'cos it sounds quite interesting. Reading-wise, well, the books up above, obviously. I'm kind of slowly reading a bunch of stuff: the forthcoming Matt Bell and Matty Byloos novels. Other stuff I'm spacing on. Someone sent me a pdf of 'Taipei', so of course I'm excited to read that. What are you reading? Oh, cool, about the Neato Mosquito thing. Everyone, Chris Dankland has put some stuff from Megan Boyle's 'Actual Daily Activities' Liveblog on his amazing Neato Mosquito Fireworks Show site, and I recommend that you go delve. Take care, man. ** Bill, Oh, ha ha, I was in Auvergnes but didn't hear anything about that story, which makes perfect sense somehow, I guess. Tomorrow ... wait, today? These time change things really confuse me sometimes. In any case, I hope minds are blown from wherever to wherever, and I hope I'll get to touch it someday. Big time. ** Okay. There are three books I've loved of late up there, and two of them can be read/seen gratis with mere clicks upon the appropriate links, and the other one is very well worth buying. Check them out. See you tomorrow.