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I’ve been sat staring at a blank word document for over two hours now. I have been returning each night, trying to force out the jumbled mess in my head, but giving up and promising myself I will try again tomorrow. The nights have passed quite swiftly; I have been flicking through playlists made up of Nirvana, Eminem, The Smiths and Blink 182. My desk is the drop in front of the stage where I sit imitating my heroes using my bloodied Jason knife as a guitar, and a half empty whiskey bottle as the microphone.
I’m trying to put off the inevitable depression that will drown me when I start to look into my love for Sister Jude. I bring her picture up on the screen, turn off the music and stare into her eyes; a wave of sorrow hits me and I feel extremely anxious. I take a Valium and a deep breath and begin to write.
Obsession: 1. An idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind.
2. Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied with chronic anxiety.
Symptoms: Mania.
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Sister Jude portrays herself as a stern, unsympathetic character who won’t take any shit from the patients of Briarcliffe, nor the dominating men who constantly try to trip her up. On the surface she is not a nice person at all, punishing the patients she oversees with canings from various sized whips, to dismissing mental illness in its entirety; “Mental illness is the fashionable explanation for sin.”
However, there is always an air of weakness around her and a notion that beneath the bravado, there is a compassionate and struggling woman. As the series continues we learn that she was once a promiscuous singer in a nightclub, trapped by alcoholism and the need to be loved. She is involved in a hit and run accident with a little girl and her guilt leads her to God and becoming a nun. It is important that we see the person she once was, or the person she is now able to hide away under her uniform along with the insecurities that darken her vision; as it explains why she becomes such an easy target for the devil to provoke in the series. She can’t escape her demons and it isn’t long before they start to destroy her. Little hints at her previous life become too much and she reluctantly and desperately turns back to the drink and her memories.
Sister Jude is an immensely vulnerable person, something I have argued about with fellow AHS viewers all along.
Her vulnerability is one of the main reasons she was overthrown and committed to the asylum so effortlessly. Her guilt and doubt in herself begins to chip away at her brain, deleting all the work she put into building her character up, damaging her exterior and exposing her weaknesses. We can now see that her soldier like existence was just a front to deal with her past; and no matter what she does it will always be there in the forefront of any ideas she has. “I’m still just a drunken whore … a murderer.”
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After multiple electroshock therapy sessions she can hardly function but seems to have made a breakthrough regarding herself. “I’m more sane now, as a madwoman, than I ever was as the head of Briarcliff.” This is a significant moment, not just in the show but for me personally; it was spoken with such venom towards her predecessor and it really encapsulated the whole message I think the show wanted to give. To be yourself, to allow those demons to haunt you because bottling everything up, covering your true identity with lies will only lead to more misery. Be who you are, and if that means that you are a crazy lady trapped inside an asylum instead of running it, then so be it. Your humanity will be more pure if you let it rise to the top.
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Sometimes fiction is actually more factual; sometimes the words that these characters speak mean more to me than what my family and friends say. Because, these characters, these made up scenarios, they understand me more than the people in reality do. So I escape the confusion, the utter dread of being misunderstood, the fake pity and minimal concern. I escape into the films and TV shows that play with my soul and tug at my heart. I put every ounce of myself into the fantasy, I hang on to every word that my idols tell me, and I try to become part of them.
It is the guilt and helplessness I see inside of Sister Jude that resonates with me. I can relate to her so much due to the act she puts on to the outside world, that she is strong willed and definite in her ideas and belief whereas underneath there is a totally different story. No matter how I portray myself to others or however successful I may become, inside I will always be the messed up, loser kid, the faggot, the schitzo, the nerdy art school junkie. That will never disappear; I have just become too good at covering it all up and putting on a Broadway show.
“We all carry these things inside that no one else can see; they hold us down like anchors they drown us out at sea.”
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The real fact here is the utter contempt that I have for myself. The hatred that boils inside me is so strong that escape is the only way I can move forward each day. I often wonder if my reliance on these characters are due to wanting so strongly to be someone else; I see parts of my personality within another and automatically want to become them; suicide, self-harm, drug abuse, mental illness, broken, twisted and suffering; all traits that I seek out, traits that I connect to like a magnet. I see a struggle and inevitably fall in love. What I can’t always figure out is whether I want to be this person, or be with them; my mind creates a comfortable space for me to live in, a place where I can pretend to be whoever I want to be, as long as it is not me. My voice will copy their accent, my facial features will contort and fade, as theirs do; my flat is filled with the ghosts of my alter egos, waiting patiently for me to return and disappear, picking and choosing which one I will be and then following the plot all night, making up new stories ready to be told in the morning.
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I want to be alone, but I don’t want to feel lonely.
Now for a little insanity to drown out the ballad: ‘The Name Game.’
*
p.s. Hey. So, for the last new post for a while, I have the honor of transferring this amazing one made by the artist and d.l. Lizz Brady for your delectation and responses. Pretty cool, right? Tell her what you're seeing and thinking please, and thank you tremendously, Lizz! Okay, so I fly to Japan tonight. That means you'll be getting rerun posts and minimal, pre-programmed p.s.es for the next while. Please hang out and talk to each other or to me, if you want. Know I'll be checking the comments regularly while I'm away, even if I don't give you a p.s.in return. If I have free time and can do a p.s., I will. If I can, it'll happen randomly and sans warning. I'll be in various parts of Japan for about three weeks. I guess this trip plus the recent Scandinavia getaway constitute my summer vacation from this place, with or without pop-in p.s.es to break the silence. I hope you guys have superb times while I'm gone, and, when I get back, I'll be here live and regularly again for quite a while. ** Sanatorium, Hey, there! Great to see you, and thank you a lot for the tip. I have this feeling that 7/11's are never going to look any better and more welcoming in general than while I'm there. You'll see 'The Pyre' in Poland! Wow, cool. Post what you think of it, if you don't mind. And take care! ** Pilgarlic, Hi, buddy. I was just gilding the gorgeousness of the lily of your prose, man. I'll look for that Jiro's sushi place and see if the menu has anything for me and for my friend, who's also vegetarian. I'll have fun, almost no doubt, thanks, and you do so too. ** Scunnard, Hey! Thanks a ton for helping to get this great post ino its proper place. No, Pearl Jam are misery to me. Sucks if you can't get to Thailand. Well, make where you are the wonderland that your powers are so obviously capable of transposing. ** David Ehrenstein, Japan, yep. Crazy. I still can't quite believe it. I'll let you know how it's holding up. And thanks for the link to that collector guy's page. Really interesting. Take very good care until I next see you, sir. ** S., Ah, a stack to see me off, and to see the people around here to wherever they'll be going. Awesome! Everyone, here's Crazee Babiees, made by S., and stamped with mega-approval by yours truly. Me too re: Japanese culture. I almost took karate as a kid, or rather I was almost forced to. The Kit Kat array, you bet. I'll be loading up on them. Amazing and great and congrats about the boy, man. That sounds sweet, and, yeah, you deserve it, complicatedness and all. I'll try the Chains album if I have more than a sec of sitting around time today. Be good until the next go-round, pal. ** Steevee, Glad the pharmacy thing got sorted out. Oh, sure, yeah, very different: fiction vs. screenplay vis-a-vis realness. But you can be sketchily accurate in the script and fill it in with the realness of the places during filming, no? ** Gary gray, Hi, man. I watched a few of the xtube videos. Not what I expected, not that I actually knew what to expect. Pretty interesting. I'll try to get more of them under my belt, ha ha, and get a better sense of the overall project as soon as I can. But, yeah, cool, wow. 'The Pyre' has to do with death, yeah, so hopefully it'll chime with you when/if you hopefully get to see it. So, yeah, have a great whatever amount of days until I get to confer with you again. ** _Black_Acrylic, Thanks a lot, Ben! I think it's destiny that I'll love it there, but ... what's that saying? The proof is in the pudding? Me being the pudding maybe? Be well and great and everything else 'til next time! ** Thomas Moronic, H, T. If I'm very lucky, I'll try to get a copy of your book from KP today, and, if I'm too swamped with trip prep stuff, as soon as I get home. Thank you again so much for yesterday! Have an awesome time while I'm hopefully having an awesome time. ** Chilly Jay Chill, Hi, Jeff. Thanks a lot for finding your way in here under such internet-centric trying circumstances. Yeah, I read that about Maxwells, and it made me sad, of course. Jeez. The place where you are sounds beautiful, but, weird, yeah, about the disappearance of your collaborator. Still, time given over to your novel sounds like greatly spent time to me. I'll try to spend my time wisely or at least extravagantly, and you too, okay? Love, me. ** Chris Dankland, Hi, Chris. Cool about the iamaltlit interview! I'll read it as soon as I'm able. Everyone, the super Chris Dankland has been interviewed over on the iamaltlit site, and fascination is guaranteed, so click this and heavily enjoy. Thanks re: my trip. I'll let you know how it is, or how I think it is. Beautiful stuff you wrote and passed along about the place. Thank you so much! You promise to take really good care while I'm bloggily indisposed, okay? ** Rigby, Safe and happy next few weeks to you, maestro! ** Chris Cochrane, Thanks a ton, Chris. I'll no doubt come back with stories and news of note, or I'll do my utmost to. Lots of love to you! ** Rewritedept, Hi, other Chris! I wish I had an uneventful day to look forward to or to look back on, but I do have Japan in the wings, so it's not like I'm complaining. Stay safe, and, yes, talk soon indeed. ** L@rstonovich, Hey, man! Friday's your 40th? Advance happiness in the form of a wish to you! And late congrats on the anniversary, no question about that. And about the job upgrade! And about the successful reading of your novel piece! Whoa, 2013 definitely is shaping up in and around you. Greatness! It's treating me pretty fucking well too, I have to say. High five, in other words! May it continue doing the ship-shape thing until next we meet at the very least. ** All right. I'll go finish running my pre-trip errands and getting my backpack packed and crammed shut now. Enjoy Lizz's awesome thing today. The blog will be back with you tomorrow, and I will be back with you as soon as I am able. Lots of love and best wishes and all that stuff to all of you!