twink: the sex was great. you're hot
dennis: yea, i know i'm hot
twink: i liked your last book, that's why i wanted to have sex with you
dennis: yea, shit like that happens a lot
twink: dude, you're so hot
dennis: get out
dennis used to enjoy fucking all the guys who enjoyed reading his books and shit, but now he's just bored. he's bored out of his literary mind.
here's a list of everyone dennis fucked in the last year:
1. a guy
2. a hot guy
3. a twinkish guy
4. another hot guy
5. a hot twink guy
6. a hot guy, twink orgy
you see, most of those people may be attractive to the average human being but dennis didn't enjoy fucking any of them. he wanted to fuck someone who was different. he wanted to fuck someone who reminded him of himself.
in the summer of 2013, oscar bruno d'artois read ugly man for the first time. oscar was in his twenties, attractive and french which means everyone in brooklyn was trying to sleep with him.
(fun fact: 90% of dennis cooper's stories are not fiction. dennis comes off well spoken and normal but he has an insane side that he doesn't show like the most of us. i mean, everyone has fist fucked someone or wanted to be eaten alive so none of this shit should come as a surprise)
so anyway, while oscar was reading dennis's book, dennis was looking at oscar on social media while touching himself. oscar reminded dennis of a guy he used to have sex with when he was 22. his name was derrik, he had a huge schlong, and he liked it when dennis stabbed him with a butter knife while they fucked. it was love at first sight obviously.
dennis vowed to at least make out with oscar if oscar ever made his way to france. if oscar ever made his way to france then dennis would most likely give him the fuck of his life.
some hipster ass section of brooklyn:
oscar: this dennis cooper book is insane
oscar's stupid hipster friend: yea, i know
oscar: i wonder if it's autobiographical
oscar's stupid hipster friend: yea, me too
oscar: i wonder what dennis is like is in bed
oscar's stupid hipster friend: me too
oscar: i'm going to france soon, maybe i'll see him
oscar's stupid hipster friend: yea, me too
oscar: omg you're so fucking stupid
oscar's stupid hipster friend: yea, i know
besides being a physical adonis and one of the smartest people around, oscar also just so happened to grow up in france. dennis could've easily found this information but he was too busy fantasizing about oscar while playing with his right nipple.
lots of crazy shit goes on in ugly man. if you ever read it you'd be like 'damn, this is some crazy shit.' dennis is the kind of writer that y
i couldn't finish the above sentence because dennis cooper barged into my room and was like
'where the hell is oscar' and i was like
'idk'
and he was like 'you fucking piece of shit' tell me where he is. i'm horny and i want to fuck him'
and i was like
'ok, ok, he's in france for 2 weeks. if you want to fuck him go there'
'yay, i live there'
'that's nice. can you ungrab me by the balls now. it's kind of excruciating'
(ungrabs balls)
'thank you for telling me where chris is you fucking loser'
dennis gets on a plane to france after letting go of my balls. on his way there, hundreds of young men eye-fuck him. dennis usually has sex with at least 5 dudes on long plane rides but this time he has sex with 0. the only person he wants to ride is chris.
so now dennis is in france. he's staring at chris's name on gchat and chats with him. here is an excerpt from their chat:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
when chris arrives at chateau dennis they both realize they're better off as friends. sometimes it's better to want to fuck someone than actually fuck them. so instead of fucking each other, they talk about all the ways they would've fucked each other if they actually had the balls to fuck. all of this is kind of fucked up but not really.
'want to watch me fuck one of the boring twinks who are obsessed with me?'
'idk'
'well, what do you want to do?'
'idk dennis cooper. i thought we were going to fuck but we're just better off as friends. but what's the point of being friends with someone if you can't fuck them sometimes?'
'i agree'
while dennis is agreeing, god gets tired of hearing their conversation and interjects.
god: can you guys fuck or something? this conversation is boring the hell out of me
oscar and dennis: sorry god
god: don't apologize. just fuck each other so i won't be so bored up here you shit wads
dennis: but god, me and oscar realized that we're better off as friends
oscar: yea, we thought we wanted to fuck but then we soon realized that fucking each other would fuck shit up in the long run
god: ok you guys are boring me to death. suck each other off os. just stop fucking explaining shit to me. you two are too sexy to be such bland conversationalists
oscar: can't we just fuck you lord?
god: huh
dennis: yea. i mean, you sound really hot. like a mix of barry white and some other dude with a deep, sexy voice.
god: really?
oscar: yasss god. everyone wants to fuck you. you're the almighty one or whatever it is they call you in the bible
god: ok let's do this
god fucks dennis and oscar but ends up killing them because his dick is too big. oscar goes to heaven because he has connections there and dennis goes to hell because duh.
satan: will you fuck me?
dennis: no
satan: soml
end of love story.
*
p.s. Hey. If you keep your eyes and mind and fingers, etc. tuned into the literary phenom currently corralled under the rubric 'Alt Lit', you might well know the name peterbd. If not, I'll borrow writer Matthew Sherling's ID for him: 'PETER BD IS A MYSTERIOUS ENTITY WHO EMAILS PPL W/ BIZARRE STORIES ABOUT THE PERSON RECEIVING THE EMAIL. HE HAS AN EBOOK W/ NAP. THE STORIES RARELY HAVE ‘FACTS’ IN THEM BUT INSTEAD HAVE ABSURD / COMIC STRETCHES OF UNREASON.' So, I got peterbd'ed the other day, which was very cool, and I'm doing what people who get peterbd'ed often do with their received email/work and sharing it in the place where I do and share things, i.e, here. If you want to know more about peterbd, I've googled him for you. ** James, Hi. Always happy to kickstart, if I did. Cool. Oh, I don't know the name of the new Ohle, I just read that he has a new book out. Wait, I'll check. I think it's 'The Old Reactor'. Happy Thurs.! ** Tosh Berman, Hi, Tosh. Col. Sanders? I have to read that. I'll hunt it down via Facebook. A whole bouncy town, yes, wow, it needs to happen. That bouncy house that I had pictured in there was one of the most exciting finds for me. ** David Ehrenstein, Hi. Why was that play called 'Bounce'? ** Etc etc etc, Hi, Casey! I think the Paris bouncy bridge is a dead idea. If I'm remembering, it was a proposal for some contest to find an architect to design a possible new walking bridge over the Seine and that bouncy bridge proposal came in third. Would have been cool and surely would have lead to drownings galore and so forth and probably would been shut down pretty fast. But still. The TWS book is very good. It's wild in this very unique way. I liked it a bunch, obviously. There's not always something or even too many somethings going on in NYC? What's going on, and what are you working on? ** Hyemin K, Hi. Ha ha, I bet it would really hard to get work done in a bouncy house. Unless you were the only one there and moved around very, very carefully, which I guess would defeat the purpose or however people say that. The fixed washing machines will be fairly huge. Washing clothes in a bucket in my bathroom is getting oldish. ** _Black_Acrylic, Hi, Ben. Yeah, it's so thrilling to think Scotland could go indie, but it's just so hard to believe that enough people will have the courage and adventurousness at decision making time. Did Cameron's 'poignant' plea backfire at least, I hope? ** Thomas Moronic, Hi, T. Glad you dug the castles. Yeah, such things are cool. I'm never tempted to go inside them, but I love watching them squish around, and the really ambitious, gigantic or complexly designed ones do a really nice number on the imagination, or mine, I mean, and it would really cool to design one and get it manufactured. Hugs and the best thoughts on the sad anniversary. I know, or I kind of know, at least, having lost my mom just a little bit longer ago than you lost yours. Love, me. ** Kier, Hi, Kier! I've been in bouncy castles, but super rarely. I only want to go inside them when they're deserted, which doesn't happen very often. Me too, as I just wrote above, about designing a bouncy castle. There's a company in Nevada that builds custom inflatables. I'm always really tempted when I come across that bookmark. You made the Iceage shirt! And a Tadzio one! Would love to see pix! How was today's work day? My day yesterday was kind of blurry and shapeless or something. Uh, wrote some. Further organized the film cast/crew party on Friday. Made a blog post. Uh, oh, an interesting LA artist who has moved to Europe named Henry Taylor bumped into me while I was smoking outside, and he wants to paint my portrait, and he's a cool artist/guy, so I said yes for, like, next week or something. Zac came by for a while, which was really great, and he's getting some of his clothes mended, and I gave him this coat of mine that got badly torn to put in the to-be-mended pile. I bought cigarettes and used that as an excuse to walk around, but I don't think anything eventful happened while walking. Yeah, kind of an okay but mostly unexciting day. And how was your new one? ** Steevee, Good progress on the insurance company switch. My reading glasses keep slipping down my nose too, but that's because I need to get the ... what do you call them ... the limbs, the skinny parts that hook over your ears ... tightened. ** Keaton, Hi. Oh, huh, yeah, I can sort of see what you mean your schizoid-ness about things, but only in a cool way. Huh. I don't think I am, which is kind of weird to realize. Earth just played here. I was going to go to see with Gisele and Stephen, but I wasn't in mood for sloooooooowwww stuff that night. Japanese porn is really into inflatable dildos. There's hardly a Japanese porn I've ever seen that doesn't have an inflatable dildo as a centerpiece. ** Kyler, Hi, man! I'm good. The crash after the initial book-release high is always tough. I've been through it a whole lot of times, and it's easier now, but it's still a true drop. You sound okay, relatively speaking, although I'm so sorry you have to deal with that family stuff, and I hope your mom's okay, and certainly don't feel you need to be silent. 'TD,P' is my favorite film, so, yeah. I haven't read a ton of Murakami. I read a few of the earlier ones, and I liked them, but haven't dug into his more recent giant ones. I probably should. I liked what I read, but I didn't get addicted for whatever reason. Let me know how it is. World affairs are bonkers. ** Jeffrey Coleman, Hi, Jeff. Thanks, man, re: the post. And for the gig adds/tips too, very much. I don't know Jon Mueller at all, unless I'm blanking. I'll click all the links that you kindly provided and discover/luxuriate. I do know English Heretic a little. Here and there. I don't think I've heard a full album. I liked what I heard, so, yeah, I'll use your portals to get more involved with his/their stuff. Yeah, thanks really a lot! I really appreciate it! ** Sypha, Hi. I don't not read a writer if their politics conflict with mine. I mean, I'd hardly ever read anything if I did that. But genre writing isn't an immediate draw for me, and I'm kind of really uninterested in military/spy stuff unless there's something else going on, so his politics are probably more of a factor than they would be or something. ** Bill, Hi. I'll probably wait on the new Ohle until/if I hear what you think. How's everything? ** Rewritedept, Hi, Chris. My week's going okay. Kind of an adjustment week: film project to other stuff. All's well. Nice to hear that you're excited about the novel and into it and figuring stuff within it out. 'Kindertotenlieder' is playing in NYC and Montreal, and that's it for now. No bites from out west. I think the new, in-progress ventriloquism piece might be already booked to play in LA, but I'm not totally sure. But that'll be quite a while. ** Okay. I intro'd the peterbd thing already, so I guess you're on your own with it. Do what thou whilst. See you tomorrow.