'Over the past several months, a certain Star Trek: The Next Generation prose piece has ensnared the popular imagination the world over. It's a story that's been recycled since time immemorial, due to its sheer cross-cultural thematic resonance.
'I am, of course, referring to author Kitty Glitter's Amazon Kindle tour de force Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine, an edifying fable in which the Enterprise's resident rascal has a sexual awakening during a threesome with a barbed-penised cat man. Also, Captain Jean Luc Picard is walloped in the gonads.
'Very little is known about the narrative genesis of Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine. In fact, Wesley Crusher portrayer Wil Wheaton was completely uninvolved with this radical redefinition of the character. "I don't have to read Wesley Crusher, Teenage Fuck Machine, Dottie. I lived it," opined Wheaton on Twitter. "Well, except for the fuck machine part."
'Behold Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine, the Amazon Kindle's new hottest book. Since debuting on Amazon February 15, WC:TFM has catapulted up the Kindle sales charts — as of this post's publication date, Wesley Crusher was the 47th most popular Action & Adventure Kindle book for sale. Its meteoric rise may have something to do with the fact that Amazon Prime users can download it for free — as happy reviewer April notes, "Clearly worth the $0.00 it took to get this thing onto my Kindle. I would have happily paid twice that amount."
'Reviewers also found WC:TFM steeped in psychological symbolism. Would you expect anything less from the author of Michael Jackson: The Sequel, whose tagline is, "What happens when Michael Jackson must face off against three of the creepiest monsters ever?"
'Amazon critic Gahvin deemed Wesley Crusher a routine affair, save for the author's bold addition of a new feline cast member who should tickle both Trekkies and those readers who enjoy a deep exegesis: "One notable exception is the introduction of an original character, the fearsome "Meow Solo," who is Glitter's representation of the primal drive of the human id (in contrast to Captain Picard's moralistic superego.) Solo's harrowing descent into the dark tunnel of collective memory is a stunning and unexpected moment in this otherwise dreary Psych 101 textbook."
'Ultimately, the onus lies with the individual to interpret the true meaning of WC:TFM— I'm pretty sure the latter half of the title leaves us open to some ripping Marxist readings about "the commodification of the fresh-faced," et cetera, et cetera.'-- iO9
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Him
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Further
Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine @ Facebook
Fuck Yeah Wil Wheaton Teenage Fuck Machine
Podcast: 'Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine' Audio Book
'Kitty Glitter will hit you like a steampunk catapult!'
WC:TFM' @ goodreads
'Best book ever? Wesley Crusher: Teenage F#ck Machine'
'My Bizarre Interview With Amazon Bestseller and Catfish Kitty Glitter'
'A Purrfect storm - Kitty Glitter Interview'
WC:TFM' @ The Giraffe Boards
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Interview with Kitty Glitter
Are you surprised by the attention that Wesley Crusher is getting?
Kitty Glitter: I am really surprised. A lot of it was because of Regretsy and the people on there trying to make it go #1. They got it to #9 so that was pretty awesome. In the last few days a ton of articles have been published about the story too and that has been pretty entertaining for me. I loved reading all of them.
Have you got any negative attention from it? How do you deal with that?
KG: I get a lot of bad criticism, people who think I am the worst writer ever. I don't really mind any negative attention. I find that just as entertaining as the good comments. As long as people keep buying it and talking about it, that's all I care about.
What was the inspiration to write it? Why Star Trek?
KG: The inspiration was a joke on that old show The Jamie Kennedy Experiment about Star Trek High being a series that would focus on Wesley Crusher. I have always been into Star Trek and liked the character of Wesley Crusher.
How did you feel about Wil Wheaton acknowledging it?
KG: That was pretty cool. I am not like a big fan of him or anything and it just kind of seemed inevitable that he would acknowledge it at some point. I'd be excited if Katy Perry was into it. I love her.
What other fictional characters would you like to or plan on writing about?
KG: I would like to write stories about Zooey Deschanel with kittens and unicorns. I would love to write about Streaky the Supercat. If I could legally, I would write a huge novel about Streaky the Supercat. I love that character. The Snorks too, I would love to do a sexed up version of the Snorks where All-Star commits suicide in one episode.
I have a great idea for a sequel to the John Cryer movie Hiding Out. It would work so well and would involve Keith Coogan's character going undercover as an alley cat amongst other things, but it would mainly be a brutal revenge movie that builds on the events of the first Hiding Out movie. It would definitely give John Cryer a chance to like take on a challenging and dark sort of role.
Has the popularity of WCTFM allowed you to get your other books more attention? What are you currently working on?
KG: Yeah it has. It's been really great, people have been buying all my other books and giving them good reviews so far. Especially the Sherlock Holmes one.
I am currently working on a story called "Ghostly Ellis-Bextor" and an ongoing series about an all girl Chipmunk band called The Wet Clits. That is inspired by my favorite cartoon Alvin And The Chipmunks. The Chipettes were so awesome!
Who are your writing inspirations?
KG: Anne Sexton, Patricia Highsmith, Richard Laymon, Flannery O'Connor, Shirley Jackson, Graham Greene, Angela Carter, Christa Faust, David J. Schow, and Skipp & Spector. Also Hal Hartley films.
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Him again
Picard Seduces Wesley
Shut up, Wesley!
Wesley Crusher Gets Owned
Wesley Gets Stabbed
Wesley Crusher Gets Smackdown by Picard
Wesley Crusher Must Die
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Book
Amazon Kindle
'I chose this for my book club to read this month because the reviews were good and it sounded like a fun read. It's not. I have no idea what the other reviewers saw in this hastily written piece of crap. I can't even put into words how underwhelming this story is. It wasn't even good enough to be bad, if that makes sense. It's that painfully dull kind of bad. Everything about the story felt rushed and disjointed. With a lot of books like this you can tell the author isn't taking any of it seriously. In this story it's more like the author just doesn't care. They want to type for an hour and watch the cash roll in based off title alone. Worse, the title doesn't fit the book at all. Sure, there is passing mention of sex acts but most of it is just Wesley and Meow Solo axing Borg. Even that sounds more interesting than it is because there's no real description of anything. Events happen in a sentence or two, someone says "whatevs" a half dozen time, and the author moves on to the next nonsensically boring event.'-- Devi, goodreads
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Excerpts
“Whatevs,” said Wesley as he pressed a bunch of random buttons on the wall, “I’m Wesley Crusher!”
*
“You never respected my image,” said Meow Solo, “the image is the only reason Mary Sue or any decent looking girl ever even touched your dick. It’s because of me. When you hang with Meow Solo you get laid.”
*
“Why can’t we be in the mirror universe?” said the professor, “The Borg are nice there and they fly around in pyramids and everyone there has a beard. Nobody ever gets a cold face in the winter.”
*
“PREPaRE TO BE aSSIMILaTED,” said a loud robot voice. “What the fuck?” said Wesley Crusher. Wesley looked out the back window of the SHO to see a Borg scout cube pulled up behind them, headlights glaring like a thousand suns. “Turn your fucking lights off now!” said Wesley. Meow Solo said, “Don’t be an asshole Wesley, you’ll get us killed!”
*
“What did they do to you Geordi?” “I’m Borgy now, Borgy Laborg. I have been assimilated. We all share one mind and soon you will join us Wesley!”
*
And that's where Wesley Crusher came in. In the girl's mouth, stifling the scream caused by the tiny barbs that encircled the tip of Meow Solo's penis.
The barbs scraped against her rectal walls, tearing out chunks of flesh as the feline pilot extraordinaire withdrew his penis from her virgin ass.
"What is the meaning of this?" said Captain Picard.
Wesley stopped fucking and turned around to look directly at none other than Captain Jean Luc Picard.
"Sup Picard?" said Wesley.
"An orgy aboard the holodeck?" shouted Picard, "This is an outrage!"
Prof. Moriarty suddenly materializes in front of Picard brandishing a silver pistol and shoots the Captain in his balls.
Picard collapses to the floor screaming in agony.
"Your days of blathering on are over Picard," said Moriarty, "now call that guy with the beard and tell him Moriarty said he was filthy animal."
"RIKER!" screamed Picard, "You are of course referring to Will Riker, one of the finest officers I have ever served with."
"Wesley and Meow Solo stepped off he girl and pulled their skintight pants up.
"Whatevs Picard," said Wesley, "nobody cares who you served with, the Enterprise is totally doomed. I filled this chamber up with space gas."
"NO!" cried Picard.
"Meow Solo, go get the SHO ready!"
"Sure Wes," said Meow Solo as he ran from the holodeck chamber.
"Moriarty c'mon let's go!" said Wesley.
*
p.s. Hey. ** David Ehrenstein, Hi. Interesting: The Sade/Smithsonian thing. Similar thing is happening here due to the big 'Sade' show they just had the Musee d'Orsay, although, over here, the path to official legitimacy for Sade is much shorter. Wow, that 'American Sniper' sure is trending all over the place. I feel so utterly indifferent to the film. The talk is kind of interesting though. Never been a fan of Larry Kramer's fiction at all, but I'll certainly check that out since it's big tome and everything. I'll start with your review when it appears. ** Tosh Berman, Hi, Tosh. Yeah, you mentioned that problem with SF-based music. Can you pinpoint what the general thing(s) it is about music from there that puts you off? I don't really understand it, so I'm curious. To me, the music from there is all over the place, but maybe there's some overriding quality that I can't detect? ** Keaton, What is '“college-freshman” segment'? Like ... clean cut? I think I've only been to Nation once, other than to change metro lines. I made my mom let me drag her and the rest of my siblings to Haight Ashbury when we went through there on a family trip in '68, but it was already really touristy and kind of like a psychedelic Renaissance Fair or something. ** James, Hi. Oh, I don't think I have enough a handle on what Nine-Banded Books is doing to characterize them. I think the only writers they publish whom I've read are you and Peter Sotos, and that's quite a range right there. Cool that the Camden Joy post did good things in you. I am woking furiously on our film, and I think it's going really well. I guess we'll see once people other than Zac and me and our less than happy producers look at it. ** Etc etc etc, Hi. Yeah, Elias does no wrong in my experience. I wish Var hadn't broken up. That might have been my favorite thing he's been up to. Thanks for the dancehall names. I'll go look and listen. I know I've heard dancehall stuff, but I don't have a clear idea in my head about what it is in an overall way. Thanks for your patience and understanding re: the mss. Yeah, the detailing work is so time consuming. There are just endless little tweaks that suggest themselves constantly. ** Steevee, Hi. I look forward to reading the interview. Everyone, mighty Steevee interviews Gabe Polsky, director of the new Russian hockey documentary film 'Red Army'right here. I'm thinking of doing gig posts on other areas where psychedelic rock was generated, maybe an East Coast one, a middle of the US one, a UK and/or Europe/UK one, etc. Thanks for the warning on dancehall, I just want to see what it is. I definitely don't expect to fall in love with it or anything. ** Dungan, Hi, Sean! Yeah, tentatively early March sometime. It depends on how long it takes to do the post-production on this collaborative feature film that's getting finished up, and that starts on February 21st. I'm not sure how long I'll be in LA yet. Longish, I hope. I should know much better in the next few weeks! Have a superb day, my friend! ** Kier, You went back to the farm, cool! Jordskokk looks tasty. Potato like or more root-like or ... ? Soup! I've been craving split pea soup for months and months and not actually getting any for some reason. Very, very nice about the gift certificate! Fun. You should treat yourself royally with at least a little slice of that monetary pie, although I guess art supplies are a treat. But you know what I mean. Like ... hm, I don't know. Something cheapish but decadent? Wow, I got two name-game prizes today! I'm happy! Yesterday was editing, editing. Uh, we sat down and watched the entire current cut of the film, which we purposefully hadn't done because we've been concentrating on the details. That was interesting, and we decided for the time being at least to switch the places of Scene 3 and 4. Those two are the strangest scenes. And what had been Scene 4 until yesterday is the strangest, maybe, but in a really delicate, kind of poetic way, and we decided it needed to go first because the heavier strangeness of what had been Scene 3 was kind of smashing it a bit. We'll see. We did a Skype conference with Kiddiepunk, our cinematographer, to try to figure out what we're going to do with the title sequence and credits, and, for the moment, we're thinking something really simple. Text on black, just the title of the film first and maybe produced by ... , directed by ... , and then almost all of the credits at the end. Simple. We started working on a trailer. Not sure about it. We're going to continue on that today and probably try to make two or three different ones then let the producers choose the one they want to use for the BFF. Trailers are hard, or at least for a strange film like ours. So, we worked until night, and then I just futzed around at home. We're going to try to finish at least a tentative final cut today, if we can, because we'll be screening it for our first selected outsider this weekend. Gulp. How was Friday, Maestro Kier? ** Schlix, Hi, Uli! Oh, sucks about the internet issues. Really hope you've managed to sort that. That's great and really interesting about the life changes. Studying philosophy and putting more deep time into music and art sounds like a great idea, obviously. Cool. I think I've read little bits and maybe a full thing or two by Fichte. I've always intended to read a lot more by him. Maybe I'll get 'The Orphanage'. Thank you! ** _Black_Acrylic, Hi, Ben. Oh, right, FA Cup week, I was just reading about that. Pleasure. More austere, interesting. I like austere. Cool. ** MyNeighbourJohnTurtorro, Hey! It would be hard to lay out the nature of the problems with the producers succinctly, and doing that in pubic is probably a bad idea if we want things to improve with them, ha ha. In a nutshell, they seemed to have wanted something dumb-ish, or, in their terminology, 'accessible', and sexy, hot, and very gay. Our film is none of those things, according to them. No idea about future screenings. I think festivals will be first. Hard to talk about the new novel cycle. It'll be pretty different than the earlier books, I think, but I'm still developing it in my head. Where would you study film, or where do you want to do that? Lovely idea, of course! ** Chilly Jay Chill, Hi, Jeff. I don't there's a full-on very good Chocolate Watchband album. They're extremely hit and miss, and a lot of their stuff is painfully dated. I would probably go for a collection, a 'best of' or whatever. The Joe Byrd & the Field Hippies album is pretty bad, to be honest. I like that track pretty well. It's not anywhere as interesting as the US of A album. Yeah, what do they say? The proof is in the pudding? (What does that even mean?) I mean about the Acker correspondence book. Oh, shit, about your car. Ugh. Car stuff, horror. I hope you get the dough you need to get that solved straight away, obviously. Very, very best of luck! ** Misanthrope, Hi. The Grateful Dead were super psychedelic at the start. Almost an epitome of the genre. Some of the lyrics on the first couple of Doors albums qualified as psychedelic at the time. 'Crystal Ship' and all that. I've certainly seen a ton of stuff in my FB news feed about the deflated ball controversy, but I don't know what the fuck it's all about other than that. American football is a bridge too far. ** Sypha, Hey. Yeah, I think I'll get to listen to the download this weekend. I'm looking forward to it. ** MANCY, Hey, Stephen! Thank you so much! Awesome, really, thank you! How are you? Are you working on anything? ** Cal Graves, Hi, Cal. I'm very good, thank you, and you? How are the classes so far? Any favorites? Any 'oh, my god, what have I gotten myself into' classes? Thank you about the guest-post! That would be amazing! Last 5 live music things. Huh, I have to think. Iceage, O'Malley/ Ambarchi/ Haino, Amen Dunes, Plotz, Pharmakon. 5 music things I'm dying to get a chance to see? Huh. Um, Marching Church, the Ride reunion, Haxan Cloak, Pinback, Dalglish. Do you have time to list your recent 5 and your dream 5? Really great luck with the classes and everything else! ** Thomas Moronic, Thank you a million-plus again for the exquisite eye trip yesterday! ** Okay. Today's weird post: wow, I don't even know. A whim, an alert from a friend that lead to the construction of this. Good question. See you tomorrow.