___________________Do you ever feel like you’re simply too content with life? Do you ever sit in some majestic club, with the love of your life, with all questions answered, with a million dollar ride valet-parked outside, an estate valued in the millions awaiting your return, completely satisfied with your situation and who you are but you’re still asking, why am I so happy?'These sentences form the beginning of an inner-narrative that weaves through the pages of Michael J. Seidlinger’s
My Pet Serial Killer. The voice of an unidentified narrator asking: is there more? The question seems shallow on its surface, but it posits a concern that is a cornerstone of the human condition: the problem of abiding loneliness, a nagging isolation, and what to do of it? Do we temper it through adventure as the narrator seems to suggest––seeking a new experience or event meant to hold off the predictability and boredom that a life of complete contentment promises? Or does the question tap into something else altogether? Is this yearning for something beyond the banal, the ordinary, merely the first step in unlocking a desire that is at once darker and less opaque?
'With
My Pet Serial Killer, Seidlinger has written a book that functions, in equal parts, as crime novel, meditation on the American thriller film aesthetic, and sly critique of intimacy and romance in the 21st century. Seidlinger creates a world where we are privy to a bevy of emotional stimuli: sensual text messages bounced through smart phones; courtships built around social media or in the clandestine recesses of darkened night clubs; the bubbly lift of designer drugs at the onset of an intimate encounter; the quick, sterile death as a substitute for sexual fulfillment; the joy attained after a blinking cursor in a chat room morphs into a message from a potential mate; the heartache of witnessing the total control of a person through the threat of harm as they inflict irreparable harm on another. These images mingle and converge unpredictably; Seidlinger crafts a landscape that can only be navigated viscerally, if at all.
'This is the story of Claire Wilkinson, a forensics graduate student, who is obsessed with staving off loneliness through the most direct means possible: through the utter possession––mind and body––of her mate. Claire isn’t looking for a potential partnership. Her aim is to take total ownership of another person, to discover them––at their most intimate and vulnerable––in hopes of gaining a proprietary access to them at their core. ... Throughout the work, Claire strives to remake her killer into an object of her desire––a perfect murderer. In objectifying the killer, she strips away his humanity, reducing him to a tool of flesh and blood, a workhorse for her greater agenda. She is “master” and he is “pet.” ... The lines between master and pet are blurred, erased, and sewn together––what remains is an altogether different animal. Michael J. Seidlinger has written a book that warps and upends human desire, taking it to places that defy categorization, until all that is left is mystery. And within the pages of
My Pet Serial Killer, mystery is the only thing that is ever certain.'
-- Kory Calico, The FanzineMichael J. Seidlinger
My Pet Serial KillerEnigmatic Ink'This book defies categorization: A new kind of serial killer story that pushes and prods in all the unexpected directions. You’ve never read anything quite like this.'
– Carlton Mellick III 'Michael Seidlinger’s swift-moving novel is an interesting addition to the genre, with all kinds of offbeat touches there for the connoisseur. He reminds me, in style, of some of the Swedish crime-writers we’ve seen. The narrative moves quickly towards a satisfying payoff.'
– Todd Grimson'‘And now they’re talking about media icons and murder’: Michael J. Seidlinger’s strange tale of Claire Wilkinson, forensics major, and her ‘Gentleman Killer’ is a wonderful romp through American wound culture, exploring the connection between art, media, serial killing, romance and anonymity. It reshapes the college romance plot as a wing of JG Ballard’s
The Atrocity Exhibition.'
– Johannes Goransson 'A rowdy menagerie of the unexpected, this book will delight and disturb even the bravest of readers; all preconceptions of what to trust and what to fear are masterfully upended within these pages.'
– Alissa Nutting Excerptbeing found defined as a number ofclever pickup lines.1.
Start with the first and the last.
What is and will always be.
I went to class. I listened to the lecture. I participated in the discussion, telling them my
side of the narrow story. I spoke of what might be something I’d like to study. It’s getting to be that time... it’s assumed I’ve learned enough and now, peers and professors, demanded that I teach them something in return. A thesis posited and presented; learn from me, learn about something.
I went to class.
Have I learned anything?
2.
There’s always a party.
Since there’s always a need to forget, there’ll be a party so that people can escape themselves while seemingly finding each other.
It’s why I’ll be there. I have yet to find and be found. I hope there’s someone.
It’s something I have to continually remind myself.
Keep searching. Keep talking to people.
Never know when you’ll find someone new.
When there’s a serial killer living next door, the end is predictable. The end isn’t what’s
exciting. At the end, the killer will kill every single one of us. The end is boring and bloody. Where’s the fun in that?
Life and death is boring but you got to keep going.
That’s why I’m standing around, watching everyone as they arrive. It’s the “Who’s Who” party and things have yet to pick up so what else can I do?
I’m watching people magnetically assemble into perfect conversation circles with the strict purpose being for – what else - gossip and gloating.
And I see people sitting on the couch, leaning against walls and other fixtures, writing rapidly on white cards, and they’re hiding what they write from everyone else – no one can see – because it’s not their turn yet.
And I’m looking at my card. My card is blank.
It’s early and the frathouse hasn’t even begun to spillover but people are already playing the field. Some guy’s standing next to me with his back turned and he’s writing too and when he notices me looking at what he’s writing he doesn’t cover up with his other hand like everyone else does. This is where this guy would sense that maybe, just maybe, I’m interested to.
But I’m not.
I’m looking him up and down. There’s really no fight in him.
He wouldn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t... so often it’s the excuses that give them away and
leave me disinterested. So often they’re already tamed. Where’s the fight in them? Like, when I’m not interested, shouldn’t they try harder? Aren’t we all looking for the same thing?
And then I’m looking back down at my card, pen in hand, and I don’t have anything to write down – I’m not going to write anything down... not my name, Claire Wilkinson; my age, 26; my real hair color, brown; my current hair color, blonde; my eye color, blue; my major, forensics; my turn-ons and turn-offs, you wish; my birthplace/hometown, yeah right – and there’s no use in trying because I probably won’t end up going anyway.
Whatever I do is like whatever I drink: For appearance more so than approach. I know what’s going to happen.
I’m a great observer. Key to any of these college parties is the fact that there’s really nothing more than an everlasting momentum slowly increasing until it meets its peak and then it’s all about letting it slide until just before dawn.
If you want hard facts and a clear pickup game, you go to the clubs and bars downtown. Going to these parties, people get caught up in each other’s mistakes and murmurs. It’s always a momentum that leaves most feeling welcome but lost all at the same time. You’re only at these parties if you’re still new to the game we all play.
Different night, different crowd, same intentions, same results. It becomes the same kind of game after a couple; these parties are practice and nothing more.
There’s a gimmick just to get everyone started on the drinks and the smokes and the pills and the specialties and the thought that it’s okay to speak up and speak out because that’s what everyone believes this party, and every party, is for... but even if it wasn’t, after a drink or two no one’s going to care what is said and who’s saying it.
People fall into each other.
This is how they get lost.
This is how anyone is found.
Easy enough to get. Skip forward since I already explained the first couple hours of any
university party. Where we are now, they start talking and I’m thinking I should say something because, well, I’m standing close enough – my fault, I’m usually not this close – to make it look like I’m supposed to be in on their little chat and I’m in the circle but I’m not talking – not yet – and so I feel like I have to.
I've got to say something.
And what do I say?
“I’ve heard Professor Derrick’s paper is going to be thirty pages.”
It’s the perfect thing to say if you don’t want anyone to say anything back.
They nod, “Yeah,” and that’s that.
And their gaze pans across the party and now I’m supposed to feel out of place. I’ve
become uninteresting and unappealing. I’m free to leave them for another corner, another random spot at the party. Wherever I’m planning on going it’ll be precisely the same: the ten second attention spans, the desperate need to get drunk soon, now, now, ten minutes ago, and people trying to be found, wanting to effortlessly join in on whatever it is that’s going on.
What are they talking about?
Take it from me they aren’t talking about anything.
People that don’t really know each other pretending they’ve known each other all along
are going around passing drinks, passing stories, passing around the tray of temptation because, inevitably, we’re all here wanting to be found.
Person, find me.
How about this person... will you find me?
But it’s not that easy.
Try this one for instance –
Says he’s a Foreign Language major and goes on and on about the subtle differences of a
language, any language, but he gets the big things mixed up. He says Spanglish. He says Chinese when he means Japanese. He’s talking and talking and talking and I’m pretending to listen. I’ve already written him off as just another somebody.
He might make someone happy... maybe not... but that person won’t be me.
So what’s it feel like to be left out? I couldn’t tell you. I don’t feel I’m being left out. I don’t feel like I belong; you can’t really be left out if you never were brought in to begin with.
I’m only here to observe. That’s what I do and I feel like I’m on the verge of something.
I’m always looking and looking but I feel like I might figure it all out soon. I might find what I want to find. Until then it’s the more of the same where the same is kind of like the words and sentences running together, and the images too, but the worst part is when the sound is ever- so-slightly off and whatever it is I’m doing I end up doing either too early or too late.
People are talking and I’ll never know who’s talking, much less becoming the one that talks and carries the entire circle. Circles always hold on for dear life.
What I’m accustomed to: smiling, nodding and...
Everything that’s done to hide the fact that I’m searching.
That’s what I’m accustomed to and it’s probably not what you were expecting.
I’m noting people are no longer writing on their cards. They’re all now laughing and
they’re turning to other people and laughing, forming even more premeditative party circles like this one. The music’s so loud I guess it’s impossible for anyone to feel like dancing. The music’s so loud it’s hard to hear the rhythm. Everything’s a bass-beat and an earthquake.
People are quaking to get started.
How To Escape A Serial KillerSerial Killer Exposed via Vedic Astrology (Part 2)Serial Killer Rodney James Alcala on the Dating Game________________________'Pathmark’s own cigarettes and wine are made from the best stuff on Earth. Of course it is all chemistry. Midnight philosophers expect nothing less than chemistry’s best. Later at night many people transform their bodies into chemistry sets. Called ‘having fun’ it is a good way to figure out how to readjust the brain to life outside the teens and twenties, to prepare for the real life that exists beyond that suspended period of time. Good thing Moon Tzu points attention to those public places. Public toilets are the new squats. Without public toilets how else could countless numbers of people live? The world doesn’t need to be so private all of the time. Letting people in is part of being human.
'Urban legends make history alive. Future rebels are present-day malcontents. Life needs the malcontents to change the world. If everyone was satisfied what a boring place the world would be. They are everywhere. Some guy lives off the grid in the middle of nowhere. Another person decides to give up on money out of principle. Enough exists that there are rows and rows of empty abandoned houses. Scarcity doesn’t need to happen. Space is everywhere. People can take up these places to make the dilapidated new again. Decay isn’t inevitable. Bringing people into a wonderful world is possible. Supporting others is a noble thing to do with one’s life. Civilization requires it.
'City soundscapes are reminders that humanity can live anywhere even in gray slabs of concrete. Fog in a city adds little to the city ambiance. Usually the most appealing sight of a city is from afar, far away from how the city looks up close. Muck, junk, and cars are edited out from far away revealing a clean looking skyline. This is what people see on buses, on planes, on trains moving to and fro without a care in the world besides that one care of getting to the next destination. Empty streets attest to the fact that at some point everyone is where they need to be. If it is only for a short period of time it is a good period of time, the sleeping hour.
'The ocean of youth is a deceptively large one. At first youth seems infinite. It takes a long time for people to support themselves. One day is simply happens. No more floatation devices the person manages to see the ocean of adulthood. Unlike youth, adulthood needs bigger accomplishments, greater schemes to exist. Youth with youth is a terrible thing to waste. It is important to simply reach out and hug others. Cherishing other people is crucial in youth, for it means the most when people are young.'
-- Beach SlothMoon Tzu
autumn of my youthself-published Moon Tzu dedicates poems to the sad ones. Despite the outward appearance of loneliness people are more together than they could ever realize.
PreviewEverything Here Now.____________________'I don’t own a Kindle. I read a lot of blogs and appreciate the Internet for allowing anyone to go online and publish their thoughts, but yeah, books are holy. I always carry a few books on me at all times. I couldn’t imagine the world without books. I need books. There have been many points in my life where I’ve questioned whether to buy books or food. We crave knowledge just as much as we crave physical sustenance. And there’s something about a physical book that sort of captures both cravings. To hold a book and be able to touch the print and mark it is an entirely different experience then that of reading on a screen. There’s a permanence that doesn’t exist with a screen. It’s why I always force myself to write longhand and not limit myself to typing on a laptop, even though it’s so much easier. There is a magick to the permanence of ink on paper that is so quickly disregarded by a keypad and a screen. ...
'I have these moments while painting. I pick colors and as I use them they’ll seem so perfect, then obvious and then I’m bored. So I switch colors. And switch colors. Until I find a color so repulsive or so out of touch with what I was originally wanting, that I take up writing.
'Brushes with messy hairs make it impossible to direct the paint in a specific way: like I can dot an “i” but I cannot stop the dot from attaining non-circular characteristics. But I love these brushes and their imperfections. They’ve been with me in so many situations and painting for me, as one fond of the situationists, is therapy. It’s a way for me to talk to myself without using language. It’s always allowed me to forget grammar and punctuation. Paint is just a representation of color. I would hate to use a brush that didn’t seem to communicate with the paint. Nor can I ever seem to bring myself to cut my own hair.
'An artist has always seemed to me someone that doodles while smoking a cigarette. Something may (or not) be happening; the artist notices but doesn’t stop smoking and doodling. Even if not tolerated. It’s never about results, it’s about daydreaming… living in dreamscapes. It’s about exploring when foreign lands no longer exist. It’s a means to feeling alive. To sing without lifting a note.'
-- Stephen BoyerStephen Boyer
ParasitePublication Studio'
Parasite, Stephen Boyer's debut novel is about a young 17 year old boy, Joshua Boyer, who runs away from his unaccepting Christian parents. Josh finds himself in San Francisco as a sex slave to an older man, but quickly tires of the abuse. He turns to working in the sex industry and searches for true love as he tries to figure out his new life.'
-- P.S."If you're looking for a raw and slightly surreal missive from the land of poetic hustlers (and, really, who isn't?)
Parasite is your book. Josh, the protagonist, is a queer teen with tranny tendencies and a psychedelic sensibility."
— Alvin Orloff"Josh is the sort of boy who experiences nearly everything through his ass, so he's not your usual sort of narrator, but if you've ever sat on anything weird, or anything splendid, this book will get to you just as it got to me."
— Kevin KillianExcerptsStephen Boyer reading at the Death Panel Press Reading SeriesStall Three: Meditation, Despair and SolitudeOCCUPY WALL STREET POETRY ASSEMBLY: STEPHEN BOYER*
p.s. Hey. ** Grant Scicluna, Thank you so much, Grant. Your mention of 'MLT' got me to sit down and read it again for the first time in maybe 10 years. I never reread my older novels, or I can't remember the last time I did, so that was interesting. Yow, that is a weird writing story. I wonder if it's a normal reaction that, when you described that hair ripping scene, the first thing I envisioned/heard was the sound, and it was indeed horrifying. Ah, 'A Man Escaped' is one the very best Bressons, I think. Maybe my favorite of the early b&w ones, or one of my maybe two faves of that period along with 'Mouchette'. I think the Bresson film that completely blew my mind back in the days of my discovery of his work is 'Lancelot du Lac', which I think is a close second favorite of his films of mine after 'The Devil, Probably.' I hope 'AME' suited your needs. ** Misanthrope, Don't know if that term came from Burroughs. People give Burroughs cred for coining so many terms, I don't know. Wouldn't shock me. Only 4 hours more? Well, the dam is going to break any second, and you'll find yourself out for a conceptual forever, I guess. That's how it works, right? You awake? ** David Ehrenstein, Happy LA morning! ** Scunnard, Me too. If God existed, he would be a gif. ** Rewritedept, Oh, gosh, thanks. I think it's sweet that you tend to ultimately care most if the other person gets off. I think I'm kind of like that too. It's not a good goal if you ever get into renting prostitutes, though, unless you want to make them think you're totally weird. 'I'm too old to start making new friends and create a new life': You're joking, right? I've gone through phases where I 'ran away from home' and made new friends and a new life all my life, most recently this relocation to Paris. Having that 'too old' idea is how you grow old. I've always rejected that as crap, which is why I've ended up only looking old. ** Billy Lloyd, I was thinking about that Central Park idea too, nice. One of the reasons I love LA so much is that it's so big that you can kind of almost live in a faux-rural way in the city's semi-center. Great! You nailed down a Harry Potter World visit! I think you'll still get there before I do, so, yeah, you have to give me the whole scoop. I hated the clarinet too. I imagine 98% of kids do. It felt like studying ball room dancing or something, for one thing. Super impractical. It felt like I was being forced to fulfill the dreams of some earlier generation who liked music in which clarinet playing was normal or something. I learned to play the Recorder when I was a teen. That was even more impractical, but it was, I don't know, more fun, easier, sillier in a nice way? From the looks of those photos in the post yesterday, the Sabbath tour certainly didn't seem like something one would lose sleep wishing one could do. Bon day! They're saying we're supposed to get snow here in Paris tomorrow. How about you/Leeds? ** 5STRINGS, I had thought, or feared/hoped, that, if nothing else, you would appreciate that post, and, yeah, I think that thought or hope/fear was pretty much the case, ha ha. Someone beautiful saying you're crazy sounds kind of nice, actually. Maybe I'm thinking as a fiction moment. Writing like Scott Heim and Allen Ginsberg at the same would be both very difficult and quite innovative. Worth a try. I had Ke$ha's 'Die Young' stuck in my head yesterday. Well, then I bow even deeper than you do. A real nose scraper. ** Tosh, Very nice idea/point. Interesting. I think I never look for location initially. I wonder why. My novels are usually set in non-locations that are somewhat identifiable as LA. Interesting. I'm going to try your method. It's very fragrant. Your childhood memoir, yes! What a fantastic project for you to get back into and finish! That's is splendid and nail-biting news! ** _Black_Acrylic, Cool, thank you, Ben. Nice show that your cousin curated there. I wonder if that one museum-y pic in the post yesterday was of that. Is your cousin a curator as a general rule? ** Steevee, I'll trade you the semi-drear weather in Paris for that blizzard. Assuming you agree, I'll try to track down Mother Nature and put on my most winsome face. ** Cobaltfram, Hi, John. Good, I guess just try to psyche yourself into a state of mind where it's out of your hands now, 'cos that's the deal. What are the pieces that you've been asked to write? I've gotten as far as deciding that I definitely want to get in touch with George's brother, and my friend Joel says he will make the initial contact for me, which removes a lot of my terror at the prospect. So, right now I'm psyching myself up to give Joel the green light. But I've decided that it would be good for the novel if I talk to his brother, and I guess that's the excuse I needed. ** Un Cœur Blanc, Hi! Interesting: the 'somehow in love' with those features of Bacon, and that the love is maybe partially reminder-generated. Yes, George killed himself. He shot himself in the head on his thirtieth birthday. So, yeah, speaking of reminders. Bon day to you. ** Okay. With that, I usher you from the stomping grounds of Black Sabbath onto the pages of these three fine books that I hereby recommend to you. Please explore and enjoy, and I'll see you tomorrow.